The Pill, Technology and our Relationships

The article about how Birth Control pills may contribute to a woman’s poor choices regarding men made me think: Could this have anything to do with divorce rates, unhappy relationships and issues that single women complain about in general? In my dating experience, I have come to a conclusion: I don’t know what makes me attracted to one man as oppose to another. Whenever I start dating someone, they eventually ask me  what my “type” is (it should come as no surprise that the ones who ask this usually aren’t “it,” whatever “it” is). I tell them what I look for in human beings in general: Humor, kindness, interests outside of their 9-5s. But even physically, I can’t say that I have a type. The bohemian in me may look twice at a man with locks, but living in DC has taught me that locks say nothing about the person who has them (I blame Lil’ Wayne in part for the Locks as Just a Hairstyle trend, but I’m sure there are other culprits).  I use to say that I liked men who are obviously health conscious (read “fit”), but I’ve recently developed an almost fetishous interest in chunky dudes. For me, what I find attractive is entirely individual.

Perfect example: A few weeks ago, I met a man on the Green Line metro. I noticed him on the train, but I was thinking about the on-campus interview I just had, and didn’t pay him much attention. He approached me, said I was attractive, and we began talking. I told him that I was an educator, and he said that he was a (don’t laugh) male model. Like, seriously. Not like those shirtless dudes that walk around in clubs, passing out promotional samples of liquor. He had appeared in a pretty well-known video, and regular had runway assignments in Paris and Milan. We exchanged numbers and I left wondering why I wasn’t attractive to him. Esthetically, he was a fine specimen: 6’3”, toned and dark brown, with nice symmetrical facial features. But it was like I was “aware” that he was attractive on a cognitive level. I did not have a “spark” with him, nothing that made me want to keep talking with him, or terribly interested in who he was as a person.

So what happened? Nothing. We both made half-hearted attempted to reconnect, but boredom won out. If I would rather spend an evening watching Project Runway reruns than hang out with you, that’s not a good look (c) Tim Gunn. I wonder why I felt obligated to feign interest in this dude. I knew while we were talking that I wasn’t interested, why didn’t I just accept that? Because I let the cognitive beat out intuition, but it only lasted for so long.

What does all of this mean? I can’t say what I consistently find attract in potential partners. Other than values and philosophical stuff, the thing that causes an initial “spark” is intangible. I think this is why people who are looking for love should keep themselves open, pay attention to their initial reactions to people and, apparently if you’re a woman, avoid hormonal contraceptives. I think paying attention to one’s initial feelings about someone is important and often neglected. I personally have never had a situation where my initial feelings about someone was not supported by something later one, good or bad.  I think we all have an internal guidance system about people, but it is often neglected and weakened by “logic” or a fear of not having someone’s acceptance or love.

As for the article, I always wonder how far is “too far” to go with trying to control nature. Birth Control pills do have benefits (for years, it was the only thing that kept me from having mind-reaming cramps every month), but the physical world has connections and relationships that are too vase for us to fully comprehend. As women, our cycles are connected to so many things. I think that just as it is important to listen to ourselves with regards to others, it is important for us to listen to our bodies as well.