Almost every night, I do something that some people may think is stupid and dangerous. It is something that I didn’t even start doing until I moved to Philadelphia. I would never dream of doing this in any of the other places I’ve lived; not Chicago, P.G. County Maryland and I rarely did it in Urbana, Illinois. But in West Philadelphia, I do it almost every night: I walk home alone. In the dark. After 7pm at times.
In an effort to save money and drive less, I wanted to find a place in Philadelphia that was close to where I worked. I found my current spot, and I can walk or bike to work and be there in 20 minutes. It makes for a peaceful morning commute, and it counts towards my daily exercise, but the story changes after sunset. When the seasons changed and the days got shorter, I wondered how I would get home after dark.
It started with my bike. I reasoned that if anyone wanted to do something to me, they would have to catch me first. During these rides, I noticed that the streets had plenty of people on them; Students, community members, women, children and (luckily) University City/U of Penn bike patrol. My fear about going it alone disappeared.
Eventually, it was too cold to ride to work and I walked, which meant that I would need to find some way to get home. One of the first times I walk home alone, I made sure that I stayed present. I never walk with an Ipod plugged into my ears, I look at my surroundings, and I greet people when I pass them. After doing this a few times with no incident, I felt pretty good about my new community.
One night, I decided to take a cab home because I was so tired. A cab ride from my job to my home is about $7, including tip. As I paid the driver, I had a thought: Fear is expensive. If I was afraid of my neighborhood, I wouldn’t walk or bike home. I would probably take a cab most nights, or leave work before 6pm (which is not a bad thing) or even shell out the $197 a month it would cost of have my car on campus.
Fear is expensive because it makes us separate ourselves from our world. It makes us pay higher real estate cost to live in so-called “good” areas of town. It makes us pay for alarm systems, or higher commuting costs so we can live outside of the big-bad city. Fear may even make some people purchase weapons, which may have more costly consequences than a few dollars.
As I work on striking a balance between being mindful and being realistic, I know that fear had an evolutionary purpose. I also know that there is a difference between fear and the “inner voice.” Whenever I am out walking late at night, I listen to my inner voice, and I stay aware of how safe I feel or not. Because I have worked to not have fear be an automated response, I can tell the difference between fear and intuition.
At some point, I would do a better job of articulating the difference between fear and intuition. Stay tuned.
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