What are you holding in, and how is it getting out?

Last week, I had a canker sore in my mouth, the first one I’ve had in several years. I started getting them when I was a child, and I would get them every now and then, usually when I was stressed. For those who are not familiar, canker sores are not contagious, but they are painful, open sores that find their way inside our mouths.  Looking at the patch of exposed flesh on the inside of my lip, I thought back to what my late grandma use to say about canker sore. Like many elders, my grandma claimed that the cause of a physical ailment was related to a sin or behavior, in this case, lying. She said that canker sores came from not telling the truth.

At the time, I just thought this was my grandma’s way of getting me to confess to something, and I didn’t buy the whole “lie bump” explanation. But when I think of all of the things I have been keeping in lately, I wonder whether their was some truth to this explanation. Maybe canker sores didn’t come from lying, rather, from things not being said.  From withholding all or part of our true feelings.

What do we do when we keep so many things in that they find painful, unattractive ways of coming out? Where are our role models for being authentic and sincere without being drama queens/kings? Part of the reason I have such a hard time letting things out with people is because of all the negative associations I have with doing this. I think back to people like Lena (not her real name) who I went to middle school with, who was known for her emotional meltdowns and her need to tell people who they were and what she thought of them. She called it “keeping it real” but everyone else found it exhausting. Or Cynthia (again, not her real name) the woman who was a part of my trip to Ghana that almost brought the trip to a screeching halt because she needed to let everyone on our trip know that she has a problem with almost all of us. To this day, I don’t know how I escaped her verbal wrath, and we still remain in touch, but this was also not a role model of how to peaceful let people know how we really feel about them.

It’s time for another experiment. I’m going to let it hang out. From this point on, I’m going to let someone on my “sore list” know how I feel.  The plan is to do this until I have addressed everyone on this list. I will use the following guidelines to make sure that these interactions are clear and diplomatic as possible. My goal is not to avoid hurting people’s feelings/egos though, because that’s not something I can control. What I can control is making sure that I am as clear and specific as possible.

Ground rules for the “sore list”

1.    Address people in private; if I can not get one-on-one time with someone, either in person or over the phone, I will wait until I can.
2.    Ask permission. Ask the person if they are in a good place to have an uncomfortable conversation. If they are not, ask them if there is a better time for them.
3.    Identify what my issue with them really is. I may feel annoyed with someone, but I will not confront them for annoying me. I  will confront them about the annoying or hurtful comment or behavior that cause the feelings. If I can’t identify a behavior or comment, then I won’t say anything, because it’s not about the other person.
4.    I will allow them to respond how they want to respond, no matter how uncomfortable it is to me.

After a peroxide rinse, the canker sore went away. I’m still committed to going through my “sore list’ though, because the next physical manifestation of what I’m holding in may not be so small.

Men+Sex+Fear= Funny?

What is so funny about rape? More specifically, men being anally raped in prison? Last Sunday’s episode of the television series “The Boondocks” was based on the Tom Dubois character’s phobia of anal rape. When I first saw the episode that began this storyline, I laughed at Tom’s nightmares about showering in a hot, steamy prison stall with huge, muscular men, eying his anus with longing. It was Tom’s fear that made it so humorous. In Sunday’s episode, however, after attending a group therapy program for men who fear anal rape, Tom took some children, including Riley and Huey to a prison for a Scared Straight-esque program.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsGBznIM32I

First off, Aaron McGrudder must have seen all of the most popular prison-rape clips on YouTube in preparation for this episode, including Tossed Salad Man (1) and Fleece “Booty Warrior” Johnson (2), who says that booty is more important than food or breathing for that matter. He did leave out the “His face, face me” one (3), which is for the best (consider yourself warned).

But what is it about male anal rape (MAR) that is so funny? I laughed at the episode’s ridiculousness and I laughed at the clips it referenced. It is important to note that I am not laughing at the act of MAR, which is not featured in any of the videos. But just like we have become so desensitized that we can make jokes about domestic violence, laughing at rape is a slippery slope.

Yesterday I was talking about the episode with a male friend who hadn’t seen it. I told him how much I laughed at the episode, but I wondered why the idea of a man being violated sexually was so funny. He started laughing hysterically. “What?” I asked. “Violated! That’s such hilarious way to put it! Violated is such a funny word.” I was stunned, not at my friend’s douchiness (He also referred to rape as “surprise sex”) which was pretty much protocol, but that he found the word “violated” to be funny, when I intentionally used the word to denote the seriousness of the question and the issue.

I know as a woman, the idea of men fearing sexual violation in a specific setting, such as prison, when women have to think about the possibility of being sexually violated in many, if not most situations, tickles me. Men only think about rape as it relates to prison, while women think about rape as it relates to being around men we know, men we don’t know, out in public alone, in a club, biking alone at night, meeting a man for the first time, traveling to countries with different norms regarding women’s rights and consent, you get the picture (Note: Can women rape women? Yes. Are we socialized to view women as being as physically threatening as men? Of course not).

But I wonder why men laugh. Is it because anal rape is “gay” and anything “gay” equals funny? Is it because like domestic violence, rape is only suppose to happen to women, so when it happens to men it’s funny? Or, does making light of male rape and normalizing it as a part of going to prison prevent men from being sympathetic about rape in general? Most people don’t laugh at a pedophile talking about what kind of little boys and girls he or she prefers, or a rapist talking about how to find potential victims. But take a large, borderline illiterate black male, put him in an orange jump suit, and ask him about the joys of forcing men to have sex with him, and we all laugh.

It’s important to note that when I say “we” all laugh, I am including myself. I laugh, and I think I know why I do but I am not satisfied with that answer. So readers, please help me figure this out by answering in the comments section:

• Why do we laugh at male anal rape (MAR), particularly in the prison context?
• Does making light of MAR reduce our sympathy for rape victims of any sex?

As for the Boondocks episode, kudos to the writers (via Huey) for commenting on the Prison Industrial Complex, and prison as a modern-day system of slave labor.

Video references (NSFW)
1.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=077UtUWGQOA

www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-JjldxU-pA

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xn90GqBxbU

I’m at a crossroads, people. For those of you who are new to my site, I originally wanted Freedomreeves.com to deal with social justice, media and self-improvement. Over the past few years I have become avid readers of authors such as Don Miquel Ruiz (The Four Agreements), Esther and Jerry Hicks (Ask and It Is Given), Louis Hay (You Can Heal Your Life), as well as mavens of life and career design, such as Tim Ferris (The Four Hour Work Week), Johnathan Fields (Career Renagade) and Margaret Lobenstein (The Renaissance Soul). In another post, I will outline my full self-help library, but just know that my bookshelf looks like the reference page for a quarter-life crisis. In reality, it was.

A few years ago, I was confronted with some uncomfortable facts about myself. A true Scorpio woman, I was uncomfortable with how jealousy, foreboding and ruminating I can be at times. I also felt like I was too sensitive, as even the smallest slight from a stranger would often take up days of space in my head. So, I decided that I needed to change some things about myself. I needed to be more practical, less sensitive, more productive, etc. etc.

Looking back at this self-improvement kick, I’m starting to think that there is only so much that people can change about themselves. Moreover, I think that when we find ourselves in difficult situations, it’s not because we aren’t “right,” it’s because the situation isn’t right. I wonder what would happen if everyone decided to stop “making do” and actually became their full, actualized selves?

Right now, I am in a great deal of transition. I resigned from a prominent, well-paying position to find something. Not just another job, but another kind of life. We often feel like situations that challenge us are designed to make us grow, and they are. But there is a difference between trying to grow and trying to change. For example, learning how to manage difficult situations with people who aren’t social justice oriented like myself requires growth. Trying to program myself so that I adapt to a speed of communication that’s uncomfortable to me is change. Change is not always good. Sometimes things are difficult because they require someone who is not us to do them.

So, instead of waxing philosophical about living my best life, and trying to find ways to change who I am, I’ve decided that there are some things that I would be better off accepting about myself. These are the guidelines I plan to use to make decisions about there things:

1) Does it harm anyone? There is a difference between harming people and hurting people’s feelings. As someone once said, “Pain is a part of life, but suffering is optional.” We can’t control how people feel or react to us when we are being true to ourselves, but anything that actually causes tangible harm to another person should be changed. However, if being true to ourselves would hurt someone, it’s okay to consider that, but this alone is not a good reason to try to change who you are.

2) Are you changing it out of fear? Marianne Williamson once said that anything done out of fear is the wrong thing, even if it’s the “right” decision. For example, to a degree I am more subdued and laid-back than I was when I was in middle school, when I was send to the principal’s office on a regular basis. I decided to change this about myself because I am older, but I changed this because I wanted people to see who I really was, and not get distracted by my tourette-eque outbursts. I didn’t change this, however, because I was afraid of losing something, or people not liking or accepting me. Changing something in order to be accepted is never worth it in the long run.

3) Would changing bring you closer to where you want to be? I once took a Psych class in college that started at 9am and was taught by a professor emeritus in his early 80s who thought that using colored chalk was innovative teaching. I was late to this class every morning, and even got locked out of it a few times. Then the mid-term came: 20 questions, all essay response. I looked at the test, looked at the professor, got up, put the test on his desk and never came back. It was the first class I had ever dropped, and I did so because a) It was boring, b) I didn’t like the professor, but most of all c) I didn’t need the class to get to where I wanted to go. I didn’t need the credits, it wasn’t required, and staying in the class would have ruined my straight-A average. The lesson here?  Just because you aren’t doing what you need to be successful in a situation doesn’t mean you need to change. Only change if the situation is essential to a goal that you have.

Using these guidelines, I’ve decided to accept the following about myself:

• I’m sensitive
• I like sleep, and there a very few things I would sacrifice for it
• I don’t know how to schlep through tasks (meaning: If I don’t feel passionate about something, I can’t be moved to do it)
• I work best between 11am and 7pm
• I use swear words in regular conversation
• I’m obsession with media, especially movies
• I have a short attention span when it comes to relationships

Those I may look at this list and wish that some of these things were different, or fit into a paradigm that makes existing more simple, none of these things are bad enough to spend time and energy into changing.

That said, there are some things that I do need to change, according to my criteria, and I will discuss them in a future post.

I am a black woman. I’m free. I don’t have to be a symbol to anybody…~Lena Horne.

On an usually restless night, I checked my Twitter feed and learned that Lena Horne passed away yesterday. She was 92 years old and has a legacy that made it acceptable to be black and beautiful in Hollywood, not to mention her very active role in the fight for racial equality. Even with all this, I was stunned by the news. In less than five years time, so many souls that exemplified the beauty, talent and grace of Black people have moved on to the spirit world: Ozzie Davis, James Brown, Eartha Kitt, just to name a few. Although all of these people were around an age where it is socially acceptable to die, these deaths are a reminder that we can’t continue to rest on the shoulders of those who have pushed us up. I think I always took for granted that there would be a Lena Horne that I can show to our children, to teach them about the time we were Negroes, and however unfair it was, we understood that the best or worse of us, as a people, would reflect on all of us.

Let’s be motivated by our legends, but as Ms. Horne put it so perfectly, let us be representatives for ourselves. Ms. Horne fought so that black people could be valued as individuals, and not as credits or deficits of our “race.” Be a credit to yourself today.

Below are some of my favorite videos featuring Lena Horne:

Ms. Horne teaches Grover how to overcome shyness

www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_Y0lJ8ELvI

Ms. Horne serenades Cliff and Claire Huxtable on The Cosby Show

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bxp47BPI9FY

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNVNzRzDt-k

Thanks to Leslie Patterson for perfectly summing up my feelings about hip-hop’s portrayal of bisexuality. The video and song for Usher’s “Lil’ Freak” feat Nicki Minaj enforce the idea that 1) Bisexual women are promiscuous, 2) Are the gateways to threesomes for men and 3) Can call on their interest in women on a man’s command. It appears that the the average urban man still can’t understand the idea of a woman’s sexuality being independent of their own desires or perceptions.

(Clutch Magazine) The Bisexual Woman: Hip-Hop’s Shug Avery

Kat: If you're reading this, it's not too late. Please seek help

It is one of the worst kept secrets in America. Statistically, we all know someone whose life has been affected by it, and maybe it was our own. But for some reason, we don’t understand or fuller appreciate the effects of sexual abuse, even though one of its most well publicized by-products has become a part of our collective consciousness: The promiscuous industry insider, or the “Jump-off.”

When Karrine Steffans published her book, “Confessions of a Video Vixen” in 2005, she was admonished by many for her sexual exploits, criticized by men for not being quiet about them, and courted by Hollywood to provide more juicy details on the inter-workings of black entertainment’s celebrated circles. She portrayed herself as a Trojan horse of sex, gaining access to powerful men through her sexual prowess. But the prelude to Steffans’ juicy tales is a childhood that includes physical and sexual abuse. Steffans once said that she started writing to figure out how she ended up where she was. The connection between her abusive past and her “Superhead” reputation is not lost on her, but it somehow got lost on the public, who instead obsessed with the prospect that “whore” was as much of a professional title as a short-sighted label.

Fast forward five years and other “sexual insiders” have tried to follow in Steffans’ footsteps, such as Alana Wyatt, supposed wife of rapper/actor Mos Def and now Kat Stacks, internet video terrorist and divulger of phone numbers. Reading excerpts from interviews and blog posts on these women respectively, the trend becomes apparent. Due to sexual abuse, each women lost power over her body at an early age, started using sex as a way to gain access and social mobility, and decided to “expose” the very men they sought money, safety and support from. What we have here is not a crisis of morality. These women are not just opportunists, and they are not just victims. They are a reminder of what happens when the sexual rights of women are systematically under-minded. These women’s behaviors are symptoms of un-healed pain and trauma with no productive outlet.

According to Dr. Laura Berman, psychologist and a regular on Oprah, the side effects of sexual abuse include:

• Poor body image because the body was the instrument used during the sexual abuse
• Feelings of shame, guilt, isolation, depression and low self-esteem
• Sexual confusion or promiscuity as a result of not dealing with the emotions and feelings surrounding the abuse
• Confusing rape or sexual abuse fantasies
• Eating disorders, obesity and anorexia
• Drug abuse and alcoholism
• Poor decision-making in relationships
• Difficulty with intimacy
• Self-destructive or even suicidal behavior

We cannot tackles the so-called “problem” of the celebrity jump-off without addressing the sexual abuse epidemic in America.  According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network), 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. 73% of these women will know the perpetrator of the assault, and many of these cases will go unreported. Dr. Berman believes that having a open dialogue about sexual abuse is key to helping victims come forward and start the healing process. Conversations among men and women need to occur, not just about sexual assault, but sexuality in general and the double standards that prevent victims from becoming survivors.

It’s difficult to resist the temptation to attack these women for being so open for their antics, but the way that the web and the public has responded to Kat Stacks in particular is akin to goading someone who’s threatening to commit suicide. Her videos, her blog, Twitter antics and the book she allegedly has coming out later this year are all cries for help. You can’t be vocal about women like Kat Stacks and stay silent on sexual assault. And for all of the rappers, athletes and other prominent men who use women for their bodies and then crucify them for not wanting to be disposable and stay silent, silence is the last thing that assault victims need. They need compassion, support, and an opportunity to be more than a “jump-off.”

Long list... scrubs need not apply

The media is always good for letting you know how little progress black people have made as a cultural group. I’ve expressed my chagrin at how focused certain magazines and TV shows have been on the plight of the single black woman. So smart, education, independent… and lonely. I can chalk up our fear of having a planet filled with single, turkey baster-using black women in pantsuits to institutional conditioning, but when the mainstream (read: white) media takes interest in this so-called problem, we have cause to be suspicious. Is the media as interested in the factors that contribute to this “problem” as they are in the problem itself? With the exception of CNN, has any other mainstream media outlets dedicated a whole hour of programming to America’s flawed and inconsistent primary and secondary education systems or the criminalization of narcotics, which has created the highest number of African American men in prison EVER of any previous time period, including Reconstruction and the Jim Crow era?

While the real causes of the Single Black Woman “problem” are systemic, I think there are reasons behind the low marriage rate that are easier to address. (NOTE: The statistics used to support the singleness of black women are based on marriage rates. There is no mention of how many women are in relationships, but are not legally married or “shacking up”) .

The following is my list of why some black women are single:

1. Because they keep reading magazine articles/books and watching television shows about why black women are single.

The interest in the single black woman concerns me for another reason. When you start hearing something enough about a group you hold membership in, even the most self-assured person will have a hard time of preventing it from entering their sub-consciousness. Just like messages promoting Euro-centric standards of beauty continue to permeate the consciousness of black women, I worry that these messages will, and have, created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Black women keep hearing and reading about how undesirable they are, they go out into the world feeling less worthy and lovable, they attract men who mirror this self image and we have another black relationship that will not yield marriage, commitment or another else other than bitterness and hurt.

2. They confuse having a list with having standards

We do well in high school, go to college, graduate and enter the working world. We work hard, and rightful demand that our time not be wasted. Our mothers and fathers tell us not to bring home a bum, and to have standards. But as Chili shows in her reality show, having a “list” of romantic preferences is not the same and is not nearly as important as having standards.

To illustrate my point, I’ll share the list I wrote when I was single. Some of the qualities I was looking for included:

• Smart, romantic, funny, has integrity, loves me, respects me, attracted to me, kind, good business partner, secure in manhood, supportive, creative, not committed/married to anyone else.
• Taller than me, listens to hip hop, neat and clean, lives within 30 minutes of me, can cook, stylish dresser.

Notice the difference between the two lists? The first are things that I must have, and are critical to making a relationship work, and the second are just preferences.  For example, while I would like my partner to be taller than me, if he’s not secure in his manhood, he may not act like he is. Know the difference between standards and preferences. So now I have a partner. I did make a list of things that I wanted, but I was not wedded to some things, and I was clear about why I wanted others. For example, I said I wanted a vegetarian, but my partner eats meat. And it really hasn’t been the obstacle that I thought it would be. I’ve also learned that a lot of the “requirements” that we have are actually defense mechanisms, or rationalizations for why other people have not been compatible in the past.

3.They haven’t defined happiness for themselves

There was a moment, after my first serious relationship fell apart three years ago, that the fear of being “one of those” black women- educated, successful and alone- started to take hold of me. To counteract this, I asked myself:  What was actually to fear about this? My ultimate goal in life is to find happiness but at that time, I hadn’t even done the work to define what happiness meant to me.

When I think of my most happy self, I think about being somewhere warm and sunny, with mild breezes. I think about having colleagues and mentors from all walks of life, living in a vibrant and peaceful community, and being close to loved ones, whether they are family or friends. And I do think about having a partner, one that I trust and one that is ingrained into my life. He is a partner in the truest sense of the word. Our relationship would be more than a friendship fueled by infatuation, and is absent of jealousy. This relationship would be You and Me, Inc. The business would be finding ways to express ourselves and have prosperity together. So, instead of looking at article upon article, saying how difficult it will be statistically to find a partner and get married, I thought about what I wanted, and I looked to see if it in fact, included marriage. After taking inventory, I realized that I did want marriage, but also, WHY I wanted it. It wasn’t to prove to society that I was wanted; it wasn’t because I had the need to have ownership of someone. I wanted someone to share a life with, whether it was legally recognized or not.

So how can black women start the road to finding a happy partnership?

1) Find alternatives to the SBW story, such as this http://clutchmagonline.com/beauty/love-is-in-the-hair-celebrating-black-love-natural-hair/. The blog Black Girls with Long Hair asked readers to submit pictures of themselves with their partners. Not only is this a powerful statement to counter-act the myth that black women aren’t desired, but it is a great visual to point your attention to.

2) Focus on what you want, not what other people think you can get, and;

3) Know that your outside is always a reflection of your inside. What are you attracting? If you seem to attract the same kind of romantic partner and it’s not what you want, clear out whatever is attracting those people to you.

This issue speaks to multiple issues, such as gender and socialization, and I will address these other factors in future posts . Stay tuned.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzbSfbvYZ8o

Added 5/4/2010

“What is Spectacular Sex?”- Another critique of Kiely’s video, including a collection of video responses. Thanks to Bianca Laureano for including the video from the Freedom Reeves vlog series. http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/u/Media_Justice/2010/4/15/What-is-Spectacular-Sex

The purpose of the video is two-fold:

1) To encourage a dialogue about female sexuality that is productive and honors the complexity of the topic.

2) To invite a real dialogue with Keily Williams, Tse Williams (her manager) and Nine Lives Entertainment about why we took issue with the way that the subject matter was presented in the song and video. Contact Nine Lives Entertainment here: ninelivesent@gmail.com

Other responses from around the blogosphere:

http://crunkfeministcollective.wordpress.com/2010/04/11/148/
http://nualacabral.wordpress.com/2010/04/11/open-letter-to-kiely-williams/

Added 4/19- http://manifestfreedom.wordpress.com/2010/04/15/open-letter-to-kiely/

Added 5/5/10-http://sunshinenouveau.tumblr.com/post/521101925/open-response-to-a-spectacular-spectacle

http://www.danniromano.com/2010/04/dear-keily.html