“I had no idea that being your authentic self could make me as rich as I’ve become. If I had, I’d have done it a lot earlier.”-Oprah Winfrey

The Facebook interview with Oprah Winfrey could not have come to me at a better time. Today (Sept 9th) markers the 25th anniversary of Oprah becoming the first African-American woman to host a nationally-syndicated talk show. It also comes after my week-long visit to Chicago, my birthplace.  Most importantly, this interview came at one of those times that all people have, creative people especially, where I started to wonder if I was on the right path spiritually, professionally, geographically, etc.

When Oprah said this, it became clear to me: This path is uncharted, and will always be uncertain, because I am the only one who has ever walked it.

As an inspiration junkie, I love scouring the internet for stories, videos, songs, any piece of media that inspires me. However, maybe what I’m really searching for is proof. Proof that someone like me can do this. Become a filmmaker with no formal training. Translate counseling and psychology and an obsession with media into a career that helps other artists. Another black woman from Chicago who made a drastic career change in their late-20s and lived to tell the tale.

I will not find that story. I have to make it.

The story that I am looking for is my story, and it is never-ending. I don’t know if each item on my to-do list will bring me closer to the life I want, but I can try, and I can learn along the way.

I feel better now. While I continue to go down my to-do list and balance planning with action, I will accept that I am creating this path as I go, and the best inspiration I can receive is from those who have done the same.

Happy Friday

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I woke up one night choking, wheezing, water streaming from my eyes, down my cheeks.

I scrambled to the bathroom and instinctively placed a wet towel over my face. After 25 minutes, my airways opened up. Two days later, I saw a doctor who told me that my indoor allergies have gotten worse. I took to my room, emptied it, cleaned the carpet, dusted, got an air purifier, but to no avail. For the next few weeks I was unable to sit in my own room without coughing and wheezing. After eliminating other factors, there was one left: Mold. I live in an old house, and a water leak had been forming at the window frame next to my bed. I asked my landlord if he could check and have the mold removed.

He said, in so many words, that he had already spent enough money on our apartment complex, and if my allergies were that bad, I could be let out of my lease (Sidenote: In the great state of PA, property owners are not required to remove mold).

The idea of looking for another apartment made my head spin. In the past three years, I have moved about four times. I can’t, I thought. I can’t move my stuff again. I can’t go on another wild Craigslist chase, looking at apartments with extremely misleading pictures, people renting out overpriced closets, or renting out living rooms as bedrooms. At my core, moving made me feel unstable, transient. I didn’t want to go thought that again.

Then it hit me: What am I blocking? Your landlord is letting you out of your lease with no penalty, and you can find a place that is a better fit for you. Something with more space, something newer and better constructed, and above all, won’t make you sick.
So, I took a deep breath and said,  ”I am allowing my ideal space to come in. I am allowing the best place for me to come in, and I’m allowing the conditions I will need to get this space, to come in.”

“Don’t block your blessings.”

When I’ve heard this phrase in the past, it was said in relation to not seeking revenge for someone who’s wronged you, or doing something unethical to satisfy an immediate need. But there’s another, more pervasive way that we blocked our blessings on a regular basis.

When I started learning about the Law of Attraction, I started reading “Ask and It Is Given” by Abraham-Hicks (Esther and Jerry Hicks). I liked the idea of putting clear intention and focus on your goals, and affirming that those things are in the present. One part of the teachings that I didn’t fully buy, however, was the idea of “allowing.” “Allowing” is the belief that good surrounds us all the time, that our lives are suppose to be rich and joyful, but we block those things from coming into our lives.

Block? I thought. I’m not blocking anything. I have to actively work for everything I want, how can I be metaphysically shutting the door to it at the same time? However, I caught myself doing just that, when I learned that I might have to move again.

I’m still looking, but with a different outlook. Since this started, the landlord removed the source of the leak, I got a bigger air purifier, and I was able to sleep in my room for five hours the other night before I woke up coughing.

The point is, be very mindful when you start saying “I can’t” to yourself. Instead of resisting the change, open up and ask: “What am I allowing at this moment?”

What are you holding in, and how is it getting out?

Last week, I had a canker sore in my mouth, the first one I’ve had in several years. I started getting them when I was a child, and I would get them every now and then, usually when I was stressed. For those who are not familiar, canker sores are not contagious, but they are painful, open sores that find their way inside our mouths.  Looking at the patch of exposed flesh on the inside of my lip, I thought back to what my late grandma use to say about canker sore. Like many elders, my grandma claimed that the cause of a physical ailment was related to a sin or behavior, in this case, lying. She said that canker sores came from not telling the truth.

At the time, I just thought this was my grandma’s way of getting me to confess to something, and I didn’t buy the whole “lie bump” explanation. But when I think of all of the things I have been keeping in lately, I wonder whether their was some truth to this explanation. Maybe canker sores didn’t come from lying, rather, from things not being said.  From withholding all or part of our true feelings.

What do we do when we keep so many things in that they find painful, unattractive ways of coming out? Where are our role models for being authentic and sincere without being drama queens/kings? Part of the reason I have such a hard time letting things out with people is because of all the negative associations I have with doing this. I think back to people like Lena (not her real name) who I went to middle school with, who was known for her emotional meltdowns and her need to tell people who they were and what she thought of them. She called it “keeping it real” but everyone else found it exhausting. Or Cynthia (again, not her real name) the woman who was a part of my trip to Ghana that almost brought the trip to a screeching halt because she needed to let everyone on our trip know that she has a problem with almost all of us. To this day, I don’t know how I escaped her verbal wrath, and we still remain in touch, but this was also not a role model of how to peaceful let people know how we really feel about them.

It’s time for another experiment. I’m going to let it hang out. From this point on, I’m going to let someone on my “sore list” know how I feel.  The plan is to do this until I have addressed everyone on this list. I will use the following guidelines to make sure that these interactions are clear and diplomatic as possible. My goal is not to avoid hurting people’s feelings/egos though, because that’s not something I can control. What I can control is making sure that I am as clear and specific as possible.

Ground rules for the “sore list”

1.    Address people in private; if I can not get one-on-one time with someone, either in person or over the phone, I will wait until I can.
2.    Ask permission. Ask the person if they are in a good place to have an uncomfortable conversation. If they are not, ask them if there is a better time for them.
3.    Identify what my issue with them really is. I may feel annoyed with someone, but I will not confront them for annoying me. I  will confront them about the annoying or hurtful comment or behavior that cause the feelings. If I can’t identify a behavior or comment, then I won’t say anything, because it’s not about the other person.
4.    I will allow them to respond how they want to respond, no matter how uncomfortable it is to me.

After a peroxide rinse, the canker sore went away. I’m still committed to going through my “sore list’ though, because the next physical manifestation of what I’m holding in may not be so small.

I’m at a crossroads, people. For those of you who are new to my site, I originally wanted Freedomreeves.com to deal with social justice, media and self-improvement. Over the past few years I have become avid readers of authors such as Don Miquel Ruiz (The Four Agreements), Esther and Jerry Hicks (Ask and It Is Given), Louis Hay (You Can Heal Your Life), as well as mavens of life and career design, such as Tim Ferris (The Four Hour Work Week), Johnathan Fields (Career Renagade) and Margaret Lobenstein (The Renaissance Soul). In another post, I will outline my full self-help library, but just know that my bookshelf looks like the reference page for a quarter-life crisis. In reality, it was.

A few years ago, I was confronted with some uncomfortable facts about myself. A true Scorpio woman, I was uncomfortable with how jealousy, foreboding and ruminating I can be at times. I also felt like I was too sensitive, as even the smallest slight from a stranger would often take up days of space in my head. So, I decided that I needed to change some things about myself. I needed to be more practical, less sensitive, more productive, etc. etc.

Looking back at this self-improvement kick, I’m starting to think that there is only so much that people can change about themselves. Moreover, I think that when we find ourselves in difficult situations, it’s not because we aren’t “right,” it’s because the situation isn’t right. I wonder what would happen if everyone decided to stop “making do” and actually became their full, actualized selves?

Right now, I am in a great deal of transition. I resigned from a prominent, well-paying position to find something. Not just another job, but another kind of life. We often feel like situations that challenge us are designed to make us grow, and they are. But there is a difference between trying to grow and trying to change. For example, learning how to manage difficult situations with people who aren’t social justice oriented like myself requires growth. Trying to program myself so that I adapt to a speed of communication that’s uncomfortable to me is change. Change is not always good. Sometimes things are difficult because they require someone who is not us to do them.

So, instead of waxing philosophical about living my best life, and trying to find ways to change who I am, I’ve decided that there are some things that I would be better off accepting about myself. These are the guidelines I plan to use to make decisions about there things:

1) Does it harm anyone? There is a difference between harming people and hurting people’s feelings. As someone once said, “Pain is a part of life, but suffering is optional.” We can’t control how people feel or react to us when we are being true to ourselves, but anything that actually causes tangible harm to another person should be changed. However, if being true to ourselves would hurt someone, it’s okay to consider that, but this alone is not a good reason to try to change who you are.

2) Are you changing it out of fear? Marianne Williamson once said that anything done out of fear is the wrong thing, even if it’s the “right” decision. For example, to a degree I am more subdued and laid-back than I was when I was in middle school, when I was send to the principal’s office on a regular basis. I decided to change this about myself because I am older, but I changed this because I wanted people to see who I really was, and not get distracted by my tourette-eque outbursts. I didn’t change this, however, because I was afraid of losing something, or people not liking or accepting me. Changing something in order to be accepted is never worth it in the long run.

3) Would changing bring you closer to where you want to be? I once took a Psych class in college that started at 9am and was taught by a professor emeritus in his early 80s who thought that using colored chalk was innovative teaching. I was late to this class every morning, and even got locked out of it a few times. Then the mid-term came: 20 questions, all essay response. I looked at the test, looked at the professor, got up, put the test on his desk and never came back. It was the first class I had ever dropped, and I did so because a) It was boring, b) I didn’t like the professor, but most of all c) I didn’t need the class to get to where I wanted to go. I didn’t need the credits, it wasn’t required, and staying in the class would have ruined my straight-A average. The lesson here?  Just because you aren’t doing what you need to be successful in a situation doesn’t mean you need to change. Only change if the situation is essential to a goal that you have.

Using these guidelines, I’ve decided to accept the following about myself:

• I’m sensitive
• I like sleep, and there a very few things I would sacrifice for it
• I don’t know how to schlep through tasks (meaning: If I don’t feel passionate about something, I can’t be moved to do it)
• I work best between 11am and 7pm
• I use swear words in regular conversation
• I’m obsession with media, especially movies
• I have a short attention span when it comes to relationships

Those I may look at this list and wish that some of these things were different, or fit into a paradigm that makes existing more simple, none of these things are bad enough to spend time and energy into changing.

That said, there are some things that I do need to change, according to my criteria, and I will discuss them in a future post.

Michael Jackson passed today. Upon reflecting on why his passing is so painful, I realized a few things:

We saw him grow up. Michael was young, gifted and Black. Instantly likable and boyish, with an ability to conjure a grown soulfulness in his singing that made you certain that he had been on this earth before (see “Never Can Say Goodbye” and “Got to Be There” for two of my favorite examples). We saw him grow into an awkward teen, struggling with his self-image and trying to define his identity outside of his family. Then, he was his own man: Visible striking, trend setting, exciting and wildly successful. His tumble into middle age became a downright mid-life crisis. He never duplicated the success of his youth, and failed relationships and disturbing behavior made even his biggest fans question him. He left us an elderly man, but not elderly enough. His health was poor, and his spirit was broken.

It represents our deepest fears about success. He was great, and then he was the best. Then he reached a level of fame that was unparalleled. He hit a career plateau (Thriller) and never reached that level of success again. What happens on the other side of the zenith? When you become the best that you can be, what comes next? The fear of what is on the other side is enough to keep most people from striving in the first place.

We know he wasn’t at peace when he passed. Reporters speculate that he was feverishly preparing himself for his comeback tour. Michael wanted our love and approval so badly that he may have killed himself trying to get it.

He represents the last of an era of true entertainers. Michael was a singer, dancer, style icon and one of the most exciting entertainers who ever lived. He was a skilled musician and vocalist who was able to not only go with the fickle tide of pop music, he guided it. Michael came from an era where you had to be the best to get a shot. Many (forget that, MOST) people who dominate the current pop music scene wouldn’t have lasted 5 seconds at the Apollo during the heyday of the Jackson 5.

His legacy won’t just be about the music. I choose not to delve into the darker side of Michael’s final years, but that puts me in the minority. The media loves a freak show, and they promoted his eccentricities more than his talent.

Thank you for your music, Michael, and for loving us enough to be your very best.

Take care, withhold judgment, love others and love yourself.

Never Can Say Goodbye (LIVE)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=snihdG1rE0Y

I Want You Back (LIVE)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfJu_Bom2sA

I Wanna Be Where You Are (LIVE)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaLu6lHHSXg

Peace.

One rainy afternoon in Philly, after departing from a lunch meeting  with a colleague, a woman approached me as I turned towards Lancaster Walk. The woman was worn, disheveled, obviously in need. I braced myself for her request:

“S’cuse me, Ma’am. I’m 4 months pregnant and I’m hungry. Can I get some money for a sandwich?”

I looked back at the 7-11 on the corner, and proceeded to make her an offer:

“Well, there’s a 7-11 on the corner. I’d be happy to walk over there with you and get you a sandwich.”

The woman hesitated:

“Well, I wanted to go to 30th street station so I can get out of the rain.” she said.

“You can get the sandwich to go, and still eat at the station.” I proposed.

“Well, see, I wanted to go to the Au Bon Pain in the station. I like their sandwiches.”

I stood back, unable to hide my amusement. I raised a brow at the woman and said:

“Good luck with that.” I turned and continued down Lancaster Walk.

Long before the battle of West Philly Crackheads vs. my ’98 Corolla began, long before the days of getting cuss out by Chicago vagrants (I once offered a homeless dude a dollar after he asked for 87 cents. He told me to fornicate with myself), I shrugged off sidewalk pseudo-philanthropy as a mere trap of middle-class privilege-driven  guilt, and reasoned that I was doing homeless people more harm than good if I gave them money. Still, I would give homeless people money at times.

That was before I went to Ghana, West Africa in June 2008.

I’ll start by saying that Ghana is the most spiritually rich place I’ve ever been. The people there have an openness and commitment to hospitality that is genuine and startling. God is everywhere and everything, and even people in the most desperate of situations know that He has a plan for their lives, and they are grateful. Ghana is also like many developing countries, in that social services are not on par with need. I saw no homeless shelters, soup kitchens or other services for street citizens there. What I did see was real hunger, and real determination. People there asked me for money, but it was often in exchange for something, such as a handmade bracelet.

I got hustled of course, but at least the hustles were creative. While staying in Tamale, a group of young boys from a neighboring village asked me for money for a soccer ball, since their team didn’t have one to practice with. I gave them a Ghanaian dollar. The next day, when my group visited their village, every other young man had the same story: Soccer team needs money for a ball. Why a village with less than 500 people had so many soccer teams is beyond my understanding.  It made me think back to the boys who stood at the intersection of 87th and the Dan Ryan Expressway back home, raising money for their baseball uniforms. I didn’t fault them for their underhandedness because they were truly trying to survive.

Of course there are people who are homeless in America that are not drug addicts, and are in real need, I know that. I also know that the social services we offer to homeless people in the U.S. have their downsides . But here are some unspoken facts about homeless in America:

• Panhandlers make serious tax-free cash: Paul Michael from Wisebread.com wrote a fabulous article about the upsides to living on the street. Some panhandlers make hundreds of dollars a day, tax free. This isn’t hard to believe when you think about how many people pass the average panhandler in a given day, and how many people give them at least a dollar or some change.
• Giving money to panhandlers doesn’t address the root of the problem:
  • Best case scenario: Pregnant homeless woman asks me for a dollar. I give her a dollar. She asks the next person for a dollar, and they give her one as well. Pretty soon, she has enough for a meal. She gets a meal. She eats it. Then she’s back to square one.
  • Worst case scenario: Pregnant homeless woman asks me for a dollar. I give her a dollar. She gets enough people to give her a dollar until she has enough for a dime bag. She buys a dime bag, and a sandwich, if she has enough money left.

The problem with both of these situations is that the woman is not getting help that will get her off the streets for good. She’s not getting help with her addiction, health, job training or housing assistance. There are agencies and charities that provide services like this, and my money would go farther if given to them.

• Giving money to panhandlers absolves us of our role in the problem: Our society is based on a system of power and privilege. Because of this, as hard as it is to face, the fact that someone doesn’t have a place to live or means to support themselves  is directly related to the fact that I do. We’re all interconnected. This also means that I am responsible for thinking of way to become a part of the solution, not the problem.

So, what are some potential solutions?

• Volunteer time and money at a local charity/agency that helps the homeless. Not just money, but time  is important. Many homeless people are looking for services and people that allow them to receive help while maintaining their dignity, such as the Living Room Cafe in Chicago, IL.
• If a homeless person asks you for help, engage them. Don’t just hand over your money. Ask them questions. Ask them what they need to help themselves. A woman once asked me for money to get on the train, so I gave her my weekly pass. She was so moved that she hugged me, because she got what she was actually looking for.

So don’t give into guilt when a panhandler asks you for money. Think of your role in the larger problem of poverty and homelessness. Find comfort in the fact that you have committed to acting in a way that will help that person, and people like them, in the long run.

Almost every night, I do something that some people may think is stupid and dangerous. It is something that I didn’t even start doing until I moved to Philadelphia. I would never dream of doing this in any of the other places I’ve lived; not Chicago, P.G. County Maryland and I rarely did it in Urbana, Illinois. But in West Philadelphia, I do it almost every night: I walk home alone. In the dark. After 7pm at times.

In an effort to save money and drive less, I wanted to find a place in Philadelphia that was close to where I worked. I found my current spot, and I can walk or bike to work and be there in 20 minutes. It makes for a peaceful morning commute, and it counts towards my daily exercise, but the story changes after sunset. When the seasons changed and the days got shorter, I wondered how I would get home after dark.

It started with my bike. I reasoned that if anyone wanted to do something to me, they would have to catch me first. During these rides, I noticed that the streets had plenty of people on them; Students, community members, women, children and (luckily) University City/U of Penn bike patrol. My fear about going it alone disappeared.

Eventually, it was too cold to ride to work and I walked, which meant that I would need to find some way to get home. One of the first times I walk home alone, I made sure that I stayed present. I never walk with an Ipod plugged into my ears, I look at my surroundings, and I greet people when I pass them. After doing this a few times with no incident, I felt pretty good about my new community.

One night, I decided to take a cab home because I was so tired. A cab ride from my job to my home is about $7, including tip. As I paid the driver, I had a thought: Fear is expensive. If I was afraid of my neighborhood, I wouldn’t walk or bike home. I would probably take a cab most nights, or leave work before 6pm (which is not a bad thing) or even shell out the $197 a month it would cost of have my car on campus.

Fear is expensive because it makes us separate ourselves from our world. It makes us pay higher real estate cost to live in so-called “good” areas of town. It makes us pay for alarm systems, or higher commuting costs so we can live outside of the big-bad city. Fear may even make some people purchase weapons, which may have more costly consequences than a few dollars.

As I work on striking a balance between being mindful and being realistic, I know that fear had an evolutionary purpose. I also know that there is a difference between fear and the “inner voice.” Whenever I am out walking late at night, I listen to my inner voice, and I stay aware of how safe I feel or not. Because I have worked to not have fear be an automated response, I can tell the difference between fear and intuition.

At some point, I would do a better job of articulating the difference between fear and intuition. Stay tuned.