“I had no idea that being your authentic self could make me as rich as I’ve become. If I had, I’d have done it a lot earlier.”-Oprah Winfrey

The Facebook interview with Oprah Winfrey could not have come to me at a better time. Today (Sept 9th) markers the 25th anniversary of Oprah becoming the first African-American woman to host a nationally-syndicated talk show. It also comes after my week-long visit to Chicago, my birthplace.  Most importantly, this interview came at one of those times that all people have, creative people especially, where I started to wonder if I was on the right path spiritually, professionally, geographically, etc.

When Oprah said this, it became clear to me: This path is uncharted, and will always be uncertain, because I am the only one who has ever walked it.

As an inspiration junkie, I love scouring the internet for stories, videos, songs, any piece of media that inspires me. However, maybe what I’m really searching for is proof. Proof that someone like me can do this. Become a filmmaker with no formal training. Translate counseling and psychology and an obsession with media into a career that helps other artists. Another black woman from Chicago who made a drastic career change in their late-20s and lived to tell the tale.

I will not find that story. I have to make it.

The story that I am looking for is my story, and it is never-ending. I don’t know if each item on my to-do list will bring me closer to the life I want, but I can try, and I can learn along the way.

I feel better now. While I continue to go down my to-do list and balance planning with action, I will accept that I am creating this path as I go, and the best inspiration I can receive is from those who have done the same.

Happy Friday

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I woke up one night choking, wheezing, water streaming from my eyes, down my cheeks.

I scrambled to the bathroom and instinctively placed a wet towel over my face. After 25 minutes, my airways opened up. Two days later, I saw a doctor who told me that my indoor allergies have gotten worse. I took to my room, emptied it, cleaned the carpet, dusted, got an air purifier, but to no avail. For the next few weeks I was unable to sit in my own room without coughing and wheezing. After eliminating other factors, there was one left: Mold. I live in an old house, and a water leak had been forming at the window frame next to my bed. I asked my landlord if he could check and have the mold removed.

He said, in so many words, that he had already spent enough money on our apartment complex, and if my allergies were that bad, I could be let out of my lease (Sidenote: In the great state of PA, property owners are not required to remove mold).

The idea of looking for another apartment made my head spin. In the past three years, I have moved about four times. I can’t, I thought. I can’t move my stuff again. I can’t go on another wild Craigslist chase, looking at apartments with extremely misleading pictures, people renting out overpriced closets, or renting out living rooms as bedrooms. At my core, moving made me feel unstable, transient. I didn’t want to go thought that again.

Then it hit me: What am I blocking? Your landlord is letting you out of your lease with no penalty, and you can find a place that is a better fit for you. Something with more space, something newer and better constructed, and above all, won’t make you sick.
So, I took a deep breath and said,  ”I am allowing my ideal space to come in. I am allowing the best place for me to come in, and I’m allowing the conditions I will need to get this space, to come in.”

“Don’t block your blessings.”

When I’ve heard this phrase in the past, it was said in relation to not seeking revenge for someone who’s wronged you, or doing something unethical to satisfy an immediate need. But there’s another, more pervasive way that we blocked our blessings on a regular basis.

When I started learning about the Law of Attraction, I started reading “Ask and It Is Given” by Abraham-Hicks (Esther and Jerry Hicks). I liked the idea of putting clear intention and focus on your goals, and affirming that those things are in the present. One part of the teachings that I didn’t fully buy, however, was the idea of “allowing.” “Allowing” is the belief that good surrounds us all the time, that our lives are suppose to be rich and joyful, but we block those things from coming into our lives.

Block? I thought. I’m not blocking anything. I have to actively work for everything I want, how can I be metaphysically shutting the door to it at the same time? However, I caught myself doing just that, when I learned that I might have to move again.

I’m still looking, but with a different outlook. Since this started, the landlord removed the source of the leak, I got a bigger air purifier, and I was able to sleep in my room for five hours the other night before I woke up coughing.

The point is, be very mindful when you start saying “I can’t” to yourself. Instead of resisting the change, open up and ask: “What am I allowing at this moment?”

What are you holding in, and how is it getting out?

Last week, I had a canker sore in my mouth, the first one I’ve had in several years. I started getting them when I was a child, and I would get them every now and then, usually when I was stressed. For those who are not familiar, canker sores are not contagious, but they are painful, open sores that find their way inside our mouths.  Looking at the patch of exposed flesh on the inside of my lip, I thought back to what my late grandma use to say about canker sore. Like many elders, my grandma claimed that the cause of a physical ailment was related to a sin or behavior, in this case, lying. She said that canker sores came from not telling the truth.

At the time, I just thought this was my grandma’s way of getting me to confess to something, and I didn’t buy the whole “lie bump” explanation. But when I think of all of the things I have been keeping in lately, I wonder whether their was some truth to this explanation. Maybe canker sores didn’t come from lying, rather, from things not being said.  From withholding all or part of our true feelings.

What do we do when we keep so many things in that they find painful, unattractive ways of coming out? Where are our role models for being authentic and sincere without being drama queens/kings? Part of the reason I have such a hard time letting things out with people is because of all the negative associations I have with doing this. I think back to people like Lena (not her real name) who I went to middle school with, who was known for her emotional meltdowns and her need to tell people who they were and what she thought of them. She called it “keeping it real” but everyone else found it exhausting. Or Cynthia (again, not her real name) the woman who was a part of my trip to Ghana that almost brought the trip to a screeching halt because she needed to let everyone on our trip know that she has a problem with almost all of us. To this day, I don’t know how I escaped her verbal wrath, and we still remain in touch, but this was also not a role model of how to peaceful let people know how we really feel about them.

It’s time for another experiment. I’m going to let it hang out. From this point on, I’m going to let someone on my “sore list” know how I feel.  The plan is to do this until I have addressed everyone on this list. I will use the following guidelines to make sure that these interactions are clear and diplomatic as possible. My goal is not to avoid hurting people’s feelings/egos though, because that’s not something I can control. What I can control is making sure that I am as clear and specific as possible.

Ground rules for the “sore list”

1.    Address people in private; if I can not get one-on-one time with someone, either in person or over the phone, I will wait until I can.
2.    Ask permission. Ask the person if they are in a good place to have an uncomfortable conversation. If they are not, ask them if there is a better time for them.
3.    Identify what my issue with them really is. I may feel annoyed with someone, but I will not confront them for annoying me. I  will confront them about the annoying or hurtful comment or behavior that cause the feelings. If I can’t identify a behavior or comment, then I won’t say anything, because it’s not about the other person.
4.    I will allow them to respond how they want to respond, no matter how uncomfortable it is to me.

After a peroxide rinse, the canker sore went away. I’m still committed to going through my “sore list’ though, because the next physical manifestation of what I’m holding in may not be so small.

A great album, and wise words to live by

I woke up today thinking about this thing called “Independence.” As a person with roots in two historically marginalized ethnic groups (African American and Native American) I find the concept of celebrating America’s “Independence” ironic, if not short sighted.

Still I think that each of use should have our own “Independence Day,” a day to free ourselves from the past. One of the reasons that people find religions like Christianity and Islam attractive is because both faiths offer a break from the previous self, and provide guidance on how to become a “new” person. Particularly in Protestant Christianity, people can become “born again” if they believe that Jesus is their savior.

I believe that no matter your personal history or spiritual path, you can always be born again. You can always start anew. The present is all that really exist, right? Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn’t here yet. Starting over doesn’t just work for bad things. Getting hung up on the good things in our past can be harmful too. Be thankful for the blessings in your past, but don’t get stuck on them. Each day brings with it unlimited possibilities, as long as you don’t limited yourself by referencing your past experiences.

Shaking the past is one of my greatest personal challenges. I have come up with a ritual for starting over that helps me re-frame the current moment as a completely new experience.

Freedom’s Starting-Over Ritual:

1. Get the old feeling out by writing: I like to use a program like Journler to write out my feelings on my laptop, but paper is just as good. Personally, I like keeping my thoughts in one place, and I like the privacy that a computer program offers.

2. Move: If you feel mentally stagnant, you are physically stagnant.  Run, walk, dance, punch air. Do something physical to change your current mental state.

3. Breath it out: In Kundalini yoga, there’s a technique called “Fire breathing,” which requires that you take a deep breath, stick out your tongue, and pant fast and hard like a dog. Once your lungs are completely our of air, repeat. It feels incredibly silly, but it works. For me, it actually feels like the old emotions are coming out. I do this for 10-15 minutes.

4. Bring something new into your space/experience. This can be something small, like a flower or a new food. Feel free to use this time to indulge yourself in something you’ve wanted for a while, as long as it truly adds to the quality of your life. For me, I’ve wanted an Ipod speaker docking station with an alarm clock for months, and I finally got one yesterday. So far, it has added to my life by allowing me to play music in my room while I’m cleaning, and I can wake up to songs or podcasts instead of the beeping on my cell phone.

5. Be the”new” you. Start acting the way you want to be. This may feel phony at first, but it is key that you start reconditioning yourself with your new emotions. Studies have shown that clinically depressed people who smiling for no reason for 20 minutes each day become less dependent on anti-depressive medication.

This is my personal routine, but I encourage you to come up with one of your own. Whatever you do, make sure that your routine has movement, visual changes and action.

Enjoy your independence day, and remember: You can always start over. Always.

NOTE: This post was inspired by the work of Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson and the Chopra Wellness Center podcast, available on Itunes.

The voice on the other end of the line was like a tea kettle: High, shrill, distressed. One of my dearest friends just ended a two-year relationship. As I went through the standard f*ck him girls and you can do so much betters (both of which I wholeheartedly believe) I realized something: I’m no long getting over a breakup myself.

Paring the story down to the essentials: I was in a long-term, long distance relationship, we were engaged twice and married none, and it ended awkwardly. I told my BFF that the hard part about breakups is that you have to forge an identity that has nothing to do with your ex. You have to be just “you” again. Looking back, I believe that these five actions helped me move through my process.

1) Move. Yes, for many people packing up and leaving is not realistic. But nothing says “new beginning” better than learning a new place, meeting new people that are outside of your current network, and being free of local reminders of the time you spent with your ex. Grad school and my job allowed me to do this. However, if moving is not realistic for you…

2) Move socially. I don’t know about your city, but in Chicago (my home town) this feels damn near impossible. Everyone knows everyone. Or at least it seems that way. Hang out with a circle of people that isn’t based on who you went to high school, college, or church (or other place of worship) with. This may seem daunting, but it helps if you…

3)Do something you’ve never allowed yourself to do. When I say “allow,” I mean the thing that you’ve been kicking around in your head for years, but dismiss as being unrealistic.  The thing that you think about when you have a crappy day at work. If you aren’t sure what it is, ask yourself this: If the Oprah Show called you and asked you to be on it, in the best case scenario, what would it be for? Your latest movie role? A book you wrote? A company you started? Whatever it is, try it. For me, I’ve wanted to write regularly for years, and I love movies, so I took a screenwriting class. It feels amazing to have this new tool to express myself, and I’m excited to see how far it takes me.

4) Wish them well, but know it’s not your problem. After ending a relationship, you may experience a number of conflicting feelings about your ex: Hatred, love, concern, pseudo-ambivalence, blood thirst. All of these emotions are fine. But when you want the best for your ex, you are on your way to a better emotional place. But be careful: This does not mean that you are ready to deal with them. In fact, you are not. It starts out innocently enough: You’re just “checking in” to see how “they are doing.” You call them, and if they want to talk with you, you may even have a decent conversation. Just keep in mind that once you get to this stage, your ex is not your ex anymore, he/she is (insert name here), version 2.0. They have a life that doesn’t include you and potentially a new partner. In short, ask yourself if you really want to know how their life is, or if you just want to remain in their consciousness. When I’ve had the urge to call in the past, I just said a prayer for my ex and kept it moving. I want the best for him, but it’s no longer my concern.

5) Don’t try to be friends. I’ll repeat this for the hardheaded: DO NO TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX. Before you try to fight me on this, let me explain. I believe that life should flow. If the last two years of my life have taught me anything, is that there is a difference between challenge and struggle. Challenge is lifting a heavy bag; struggle is trying to lift a bag that’s nailed to the floor. Struggle is a sign that the very nature of the situation is wrong and not worthy of your energy. So, in terms of being friends with your ex, if it has a shot in hell of working, it needs to happen organically. If after all of the internal work you’ve done, (insert name here ) 2.0 comes back into your life uninitiated, then it may be okay, as long as you realize a few things:

1) They are not the same person.

2) You won’t get the boyfriend/girlfriend treatment when you are around them

3) If they are in a new relationship, the depth of your relationship will be limited.

Are you cool with all of that?

Now, one thing I didn’t say was to cut off all contact with them, and this is why: For me, those post-break up conversations helped reality set in. Once that happened, then I cut off all contact. So for me, it helped in the long run. But don’t get involved physically with them, and don’t try to have casual conversations. If you’re going to talk, talk about what happened. If both of you are not ready to deal with the finality of the situation, then cut off all contact.

Now a warning: After you get over the hump, you won’t be back to “normal,” meaning you won’t be the person you were before the breakup. I don’t feel like I am totally different, but I am. I love how I’m different in some ways, and some of the ways I have changed surprise and worry me. It’s the perk/ price of any lesson you take to heart.

So, to my dearest friend and all of the other heartbroken folks out there: Accept the situation. Embrace the uncertainty. Never take anything personally, and know that God has a plan for you that is better than any you can come up with yourself.

My car was broken into last night. I walked out of my house this morning and saw glass on the ground, my glove compartment rifled through, and my visor pocket (with a few CDs and my insurance card) missing. This is the second time that my car had been broken into in front of my house since I moved to my neighborhood last October. Being mindful, present and all the other new-age things you’re suppose to do is hard when confronted with real-life annoyance.

Unlike last time, however, I got emotional. I felt angry. I felt violated. I even cried for the first time in a long time. But most of all, I felt unwilling to accept the seemingly randomness of this event. In my head, I insisted that this meant something. What was the universe trying to tell me? Had I slipped into non-abundant thinking? Had I slighted someone? Was this a sign that I needed to take some kind of action? What did it mean?

At first, I thought it meant that I needed to move. My personal information was now on the street (along with several CDs from the late 90′s). I called my landlord and told him that I might need to get out of my lease. My landlord (a really good guy, I must say), my cousin, and my friendly neighborhood “pharmacist” assured me that whoever broke into my car was probably an addict, and was not interested in stealing my identity or harming me personally. After reporting the incident to a female cop who did little to hid her amusement at my distress, I went back to the house.

I started breathing and thinking. And thinking. How likely am I to find another beautiful, newly renovated two-bedroom apartment within walking distance of work? My ability to attract things is good, but not that good. Should I get a home alarm system? Then I would need a home phone line. Should I get an alarm system for my car? But I rarely drive. In fact, I drive less than 30 miles a week, and it cost me in insurance premiums and break-ins.

I took another breath. Maybe I should sell my car? It would be nice to have the $140 a month I’m paying for insurance to myself, in addition to the money I’d make from the sell. Philly is a very walkable city, I have a bike, I get a discount for SEPTA through my gig. Why not?

I started to feel better. I’ve been trying to figure out ways to save money. Now, granted, this was a very harsh way for the Universe to get my attention, but it worked.

So I may get rid of my car. I may even start a series call “Car-less in Philly.” Who knows? I bet that supposed fiend who broke into my car didn’t realize he was a part of a larger plan to teach me something. But we all are. I just hope that your next reminder isn’t as costly or annoying as mine was.

Almost every night, I do something that some people may think is stupid and dangerous. It is something that I didn’t even start doing until I moved to Philadelphia. I would never dream of doing this in any of the other places I’ve lived; not Chicago, P.G. County Maryland and I rarely did it in Urbana, Illinois. But in West Philadelphia, I do it almost every night: I walk home alone. In the dark. After 7pm at times.

In an effort to save money and drive less, I wanted to find a place in Philadelphia that was close to where I worked. I found my current spot, and I can walk or bike to work and be there in 20 minutes. It makes for a peaceful morning commute, and it counts towards my daily exercise, but the story changes after sunset. When the seasons changed and the days got shorter, I wondered how I would get home after dark.

It started with my bike. I reasoned that if anyone wanted to do something to me, they would have to catch me first. During these rides, I noticed that the streets had plenty of people on them; Students, community members, women, children and (luckily) University City/U of Penn bike patrol. My fear about going it alone disappeared.

Eventually, it was too cold to ride to work and I walked, which meant that I would need to find some way to get home. One of the first times I walk home alone, I made sure that I stayed present. I never walk with an Ipod plugged into my ears, I look at my surroundings, and I greet people when I pass them. After doing this a few times with no incident, I felt pretty good about my new community.

One night, I decided to take a cab home because I was so tired. A cab ride from my job to my home is about $7, including tip. As I paid the driver, I had a thought: Fear is expensive. If I was afraid of my neighborhood, I wouldn’t walk or bike home. I would probably take a cab most nights, or leave work before 6pm (which is not a bad thing) or even shell out the $197 a month it would cost of have my car on campus.

Fear is expensive because it makes us separate ourselves from our world. It makes us pay higher real estate cost to live in so-called “good” areas of town. It makes us pay for alarm systems, or higher commuting costs so we can live outside of the big-bad city. Fear may even make some people purchase weapons, which may have more costly consequences than a few dollars.

As I work on striking a balance between being mindful and being realistic, I know that fear had an evolutionary purpose. I also know that there is a difference between fear and the “inner voice.” Whenever I am out walking late at night, I listen to my inner voice, and I stay aware of how safe I feel or not. Because I have worked to not have fear be an automated response, I can tell the difference between fear and intuition.

At some point, I would do a better job of articulating the difference between fear and intuition. Stay tuned.