“I had no idea that being your authentic self could make me as rich as I’ve become. If I had, I’d have done it a lot earlier.”-Oprah Winfrey

The Facebook interview with Oprah Winfrey could not have come to me at a better time. Today (Sept 9th) markers the 25th anniversary of Oprah becoming the first African-American woman to host a nationally-syndicated talk show. It also comes after my week-long visit to Chicago, my birthplace.  Most importantly, this interview came at one of those times that all people have, creative people especially, where I started to wonder if I was on the right path spiritually, professionally, geographically, etc.

When Oprah said this, it became clear to me: This path is uncharted, and will always be uncertain, because I am the only one who has ever walked it.

As an inspiration junkie, I love scouring the internet for stories, videos, songs, any piece of media that inspires me. However, maybe what I’m really searching for is proof. Proof that someone like me can do this. Become a filmmaker with no formal training. Translate counseling and psychology and an obsession with media into a career that helps other artists. Another black woman from Chicago who made a drastic career change in their late-20s and lived to tell the tale.

I will not find that story. I have to make it.

The story that I am looking for is my story, and it is never-ending. I don’t know if each item on my to-do list will bring me closer to the life I want, but I can try, and I can learn along the way.

I feel better now. While I continue to go down my to-do list and balance planning with action, I will accept that I am creating this path as I go, and the best inspiration I can receive is from those who have done the same.

Happy Friday

Note: If you like this post and want to support, please go to my about.me page (http://about.me/chakkareeves) and vote for my page to appear in a Times Square billboard! Thank you.

UPDATE: One of my readers informed me that the page has been removed. A cache version of it can be found here for a limited time:

I came across the IndieGogo campaign for “Gang of Roses 2″ after reading on an entertainment website that Amber Rose had been added to the cast of the movie. A Google search yielded the IndieGogo page for the project, which can be found here:

http://www.indiegogo.com/Gang-of-Roses-2 (inactive as of 3:18pm EST, 7/28/2011)

I woke up one night choking, wheezing, water streaming from my eyes, down my cheeks.

I scrambled to the bathroom and instinctively placed a wet towel over my face. After 25 minutes, my airways opened up. Two days later, I saw a doctor who told me that my indoor allergies have gotten worse. I took to my room, emptied it, cleaned the carpet, dusted, got an air purifier, but to no avail. For the next few weeks I was unable to sit in my own room without coughing and wheezing. After eliminating other factors, there was one left: Mold. I live in an old house, and a water leak had been forming at the window frame next to my bed. I asked my landlord if he could check and have the mold removed.

He said, in so many words, that he had already spent enough money on our apartment complex, and if my allergies were that bad, I could be let out of my lease (Sidenote: In the great state of PA, property owners are not required to remove mold).

The idea of looking for another apartment made my head spin. In the past three years, I have moved about four times. I can’t, I thought. I can’t move my stuff again. I can’t go on another wild Craigslist chase, looking at apartments with extremely misleading pictures, people renting out overpriced closets, or renting out living rooms as bedrooms. At my core, moving made me feel unstable, transient. I didn’t want to go thought that again.

Then it hit me: What am I blocking? Your landlord is letting you out of your lease with no penalty, and you can find a place that is a better fit for you. Something with more space, something newer and better constructed, and above all, won’t make you sick.
So, I took a deep breath and said,  ”I am allowing my ideal space to come in. I am allowing the best place for me to come in, and I’m allowing the conditions I will need to get this space, to come in.”

“Don’t block your blessings.”

When I’ve heard this phrase in the past, it was said in relation to not seeking revenge for someone who’s wronged you, or doing something unethical to satisfy an immediate need. But there’s another, more pervasive way that we blocked our blessings on a regular basis.

When I started learning about the Law of Attraction, I started reading “Ask and It Is Given” by Abraham-Hicks (Esther and Jerry Hicks). I liked the idea of putting clear intention and focus on your goals, and affirming that those things are in the present. One part of the teachings that I didn’t fully buy, however, was the idea of “allowing.” “Allowing” is the belief that good surrounds us all the time, that our lives are suppose to be rich and joyful, but we block those things from coming into our lives.

Block? I thought. I’m not blocking anything. I have to actively work for everything I want, how can I be metaphysically shutting the door to it at the same time? However, I caught myself doing just that, when I learned that I might have to move again.

I’m still looking, but with a different outlook. Since this started, the landlord removed the source of the leak, I got a bigger air purifier, and I was able to sleep in my room for five hours the other night before I woke up coughing.

The point is, be very mindful when you start saying “I can’t” to yourself. Instead of resisting the change, open up and ask: “What am I allowing at this moment?”

The voice on the other end of the line was like a tea kettle: High, shrill, distressed. One of my dearest friends just ended a two-year relationship. As I went through the standard f*ck him girls and you can do so much betters (both of which I wholeheartedly believe) I realized something: I’m no long getting over a breakup myself.

Paring the story down to the essentials: I was in a long-term, long distance relationship, we were engaged twice and married none, and it ended awkwardly. I told my BFF that the hard part about breakups is that you have to forge an identity that has nothing to do with your ex. You have to be just “you” again. Looking back, I believe that these five actions helped me move through my process.

1) Move. Yes, for many people packing up and leaving is not realistic. But nothing says “new beginning” better than learning a new place, meeting new people that are outside of your current network, and being free of local reminders of the time you spent with your ex. Grad school and my job allowed me to do this. However, if moving is not realistic for you…

2) Move socially. I don’t know about your city, but in Chicago (my home town) this feels damn near impossible. Everyone knows everyone. Or at least it seems that way. Hang out with a circle of people that isn’t based on who you went to high school, college, or church (or other place of worship) with. This may seem daunting, but it helps if you…

3)Do something you’ve never allowed yourself to do. When I say “allow,” I mean the thing that you’ve been kicking around in your head for years, but dismiss as being unrealistic.  The thing that you think about when you have a crappy day at work. If you aren’t sure what it is, ask yourself this: If the Oprah Show called you and asked you to be on it, in the best case scenario, what would it be for? Your latest movie role? A book you wrote? A company you started? Whatever it is, try it. For me, I’ve wanted to write regularly for years, and I love movies, so I took a screenwriting class. It feels amazing to have this new tool to express myself, and I’m excited to see how far it takes me.

4) Wish them well, but know it’s not your problem. After ending a relationship, you may experience a number of conflicting feelings about your ex: Hatred, love, concern, pseudo-ambivalence, blood thirst. All of these emotions are fine. But when you want the best for your ex, you are on your way to a better emotional place. But be careful: This does not mean that you are ready to deal with them. In fact, you are not. It starts out innocently enough: You’re just “checking in” to see how “they are doing.” You call them, and if they want to talk with you, you may even have a decent conversation. Just keep in mind that once you get to this stage, your ex is not your ex anymore, he/she is (insert name here), version 2.0. They have a life that doesn’t include you and potentially a new partner. In short, ask yourself if you really want to know how their life is, or if you just want to remain in their consciousness. When I’ve had the urge to call in the past, I just said a prayer for my ex and kept it moving. I want the best for him, but it’s no longer my concern.

5) Don’t try to be friends. I’ll repeat this for the hardheaded: DO NO TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX. Before you try to fight me on this, let me explain. I believe that life should flow. If the last two years of my life have taught me anything, is that there is a difference between challenge and struggle. Challenge is lifting a heavy bag; struggle is trying to lift a bag that’s nailed to the floor. Struggle is a sign that the very nature of the situation is wrong and not worthy of your energy. So, in terms of being friends with your ex, if it has a shot in hell of working, it needs to happen organically. If after all of the internal work you’ve done, (insert name here ) 2.0 comes back into your life uninitiated, then it may be okay, as long as you realize a few things:

1) They are not the same person.

2) You won’t get the boyfriend/girlfriend treatment when you are around them

3) If they are in a new relationship, the depth of your relationship will be limited.

Are you cool with all of that?

Now, one thing I didn’t say was to cut off all contact with them, and this is why: For me, those post-break up conversations helped reality set in. Once that happened, then I cut off all contact. So for me, it helped in the long run. But don’t get involved physically with them, and don’t try to have casual conversations. If you’re going to talk, talk about what happened. If both of you are not ready to deal with the finality of the situation, then cut off all contact.

Now a warning: After you get over the hump, you won’t be back to “normal,” meaning you won’t be the person you were before the breakup. I don’t feel like I am totally different, but I am. I love how I’m different in some ways, and some of the ways I have changed surprise and worry me. It’s the perk/ price of any lesson you take to heart.

So, to my dearest friend and all of the other heartbroken folks out there: Accept the situation. Embrace the uncertainty. Never take anything personally, and know that God has a plan for you that is better than any you can come up with yourself.