What are you holding in, and how is it getting out?

Last week, I had a canker sore in my mouth, the first one I’ve had in several years. I started getting them when I was a child, and I would get them every now and then, usually when I was stressed. For those who are not familiar, canker sores are not contagious, but they are painful, open sores that find their way inside our mouths.  Looking at the patch of exposed flesh on the inside of my lip, I thought back to what my late grandma use to say about canker sore. Like many elders, my grandma claimed that the cause of a physical ailment was related to a sin or behavior, in this case, lying. She said that canker sores came from not telling the truth.

At the time, I just thought this was my grandma’s way of getting me to confess to something, and I didn’t buy the whole “lie bump” explanation. But when I think of all of the things I have been keeping in lately, I wonder whether their was some truth to this explanation. Maybe canker sores didn’t come from lying, rather, from things not being said.  From withholding all or part of our true feelings.

What do we do when we keep so many things in that they find painful, unattractive ways of coming out? Where are our role models for being authentic and sincere without being drama queens/kings? Part of the reason I have such a hard time letting things out with people is because of all the negative associations I have with doing this. I think back to people like Lena (not her real name) who I went to middle school with, who was known for her emotional meltdowns and her need to tell people who they were and what she thought of them. She called it “keeping it real” but everyone else found it exhausting. Or Cynthia (again, not her real name) the woman who was a part of my trip to Ghana that almost brought the trip to a screeching halt because she needed to let everyone on our trip know that she has a problem with almost all of us. To this day, I don’t know how I escaped her verbal wrath, and we still remain in touch, but this was also not a role model of how to peaceful let people know how we really feel about them.

It’s time for another experiment. I’m going to let it hang out. From this point on, I’m going to let someone on my “sore list” know how I feel.  The plan is to do this until I have addressed everyone on this list. I will use the following guidelines to make sure that these interactions are clear and diplomatic as possible. My goal is not to avoid hurting people’s feelings/egos though, because that’s not something I can control. What I can control is making sure that I am as clear and specific as possible.

Ground rules for the “sore list”

1.    Address people in private; if I can not get one-on-one time with someone, either in person or over the phone, I will wait until I can.
2.    Ask permission. Ask the person if they are in a good place to have an uncomfortable conversation. If they are not, ask them if there is a better time for them.
3.    Identify what my issue with them really is. I may feel annoyed with someone, but I will not confront them for annoying me. I  will confront them about the annoying or hurtful comment or behavior that cause the feelings. If I can’t identify a behavior or comment, then I won’t say anything, because it’s not about the other person.
4.    I will allow them to respond how they want to respond, no matter how uncomfortable it is to me.

After a peroxide rinse, the canker sore went away. I’m still committed to going through my “sore list’ though, because the next physical manifestation of what I’m holding in may not be so small.

Don't be like Uncle Rico

I still listen to Illmatic, a stunning musical achievement by Nas, Pete Rock, Q-Tip, and Large Professor, after first hearing it over 10 years ago.  Few people can say that they created one of the seminal works in their field at the age of 20. However, such an accomplishment can be both a blessing and a curse. What do you do when according to many, you hit your creative and professional peak at the beginning of your career?  Michael Jackson recorded “Thriller” when he was 24, and spent the rest of his career trying to top it. Zeniths in life are not just a result of perfect ingredients, but perfect timing as well. There will never be another “Thriller” and there will never be another “Illmatic,” because both are products of their time period.

Peaks happen in other areas of our lives as well.  Personally, I am on the down slope of a zenith that has made dating very difficult. I met my first real love when I was 17, got engaged when I was 21, and watched it all fall apart by my 25th birthday. What happens to us when we reach a pinnacle early in our lives? Much like the Uncle Rico character in “Napoleon Dynamite,” some people are unable to move on, and spend the rest of their lives trying to return to that place.  They become stagnant. They date the same kinds of people over and over again, people who have some of the same qualities as the ones they lost, and some of the same dealbreakers. They resist anything new, uncertain. Their creativity atrophies because they are unwilling to try things unless they know they will experience success.

It helps to remember that when you first started out on your path to the “peak,”  you probably were not very good. You didn’t realize this because you were so passionate about your craft/sport/relationship/etc., that you wanted to keep trying, or maybe you did, and you just didn’t care. Failing at something you cared about was better than not trying at all.

Instead of holding on to past triumphs, use them as reminders of what is possible when you combine intention with belief and passion. Intent on accomplishing your goal,  belief that it will happen, and a passion that makes the work intrinsically rewarding.  It may not happen the way you want it to, and there’s the catch. But you can trust that it will happen the way it’s suppose to.

The voice on the other end of the line was like a tea kettle: High, shrill, distressed. One of my dearest friends just ended a two-year relationship. As I went through the standard f*ck him girls and you can do so much betters (both of which I wholeheartedly believe) I realized something: I’m no long getting over a breakup myself.

Paring the story down to the essentials: I was in a long-term, long distance relationship, we were engaged twice and married none, and it ended awkwardly. I told my BFF that the hard part about breakups is that you have to forge an identity that has nothing to do with your ex. You have to be just “you” again. Looking back, I believe that these five actions helped me move through my process.

1) Move. Yes, for many people packing up and leaving is not realistic. But nothing says “new beginning” better than learning a new place, meeting new people that are outside of your current network, and being free of local reminders of the time you spent with your ex. Grad school and my job allowed me to do this. However, if moving is not realistic for you…

2) Move socially. I don’t know about your city, but in Chicago (my home town) this feels damn near impossible. Everyone knows everyone. Or at least it seems that way. Hang out with a circle of people that isn’t based on who you went to high school, college, or church (or other place of worship) with. This may seem daunting, but it helps if you…

3)Do something you’ve never allowed yourself to do. When I say “allow,” I mean the thing that you’ve been kicking around in your head for years, but dismiss as being unrealistic.  The thing that you think about when you have a crappy day at work. If you aren’t sure what it is, ask yourself this: If the Oprah Show called you and asked you to be on it, in the best case scenario, what would it be for? Your latest movie role? A book you wrote? A company you started? Whatever it is, try it. For me, I’ve wanted to write regularly for years, and I love movies, so I took a screenwriting class. It feels amazing to have this new tool to express myself, and I’m excited to see how far it takes me.

4) Wish them well, but know it’s not your problem. After ending a relationship, you may experience a number of conflicting feelings about your ex: Hatred, love, concern, pseudo-ambivalence, blood thirst. All of these emotions are fine. But when you want the best for your ex, you are on your way to a better emotional place. But be careful: This does not mean that you are ready to deal with them. In fact, you are not. It starts out innocently enough: You’re just “checking in” to see how “they are doing.” You call them, and if they want to talk with you, you may even have a decent conversation. Just keep in mind that once you get to this stage, your ex is not your ex anymore, he/she is (insert name here), version 2.0. They have a life that doesn’t include you and potentially a new partner. In short, ask yourself if you really want to know how their life is, or if you just want to remain in their consciousness. When I’ve had the urge to call in the past, I just said a prayer for my ex and kept it moving. I want the best for him, but it’s no longer my concern.

5) Don’t try to be friends. I’ll repeat this for the hardheaded: DO NO TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX. Before you try to fight me on this, let me explain. I believe that life should flow. If the last two years of my life have taught me anything, is that there is a difference between challenge and struggle. Challenge is lifting a heavy bag; struggle is trying to lift a bag that’s nailed to the floor. Struggle is a sign that the very nature of the situation is wrong and not worthy of your energy. So, in terms of being friends with your ex, if it has a shot in hell of working, it needs to happen organically. If after all of the internal work you’ve done, (insert name here ) 2.0 comes back into your life uninitiated, then it may be okay, as long as you realize a few things:

1) They are not the same person.

2) You won’t get the boyfriend/girlfriend treatment when you are around them

3) If they are in a new relationship, the depth of your relationship will be limited.

Are you cool with all of that?

Now, one thing I didn’t say was to cut off all contact with them, and this is why: For me, those post-break up conversations helped reality set in. Once that happened, then I cut off all contact. So for me, it helped in the long run. But don’t get involved physically with them, and don’t try to have casual conversations. If you’re going to talk, talk about what happened. If both of you are not ready to deal with the finality of the situation, then cut off all contact.

Now a warning: After you get over the hump, you won’t be back to “normal,” meaning you won’t be the person you were before the breakup. I don’t feel like I am totally different, but I am. I love how I’m different in some ways, and some of the ways I have changed surprise and worry me. It’s the perk/ price of any lesson you take to heart.

So, to my dearest friend and all of the other heartbroken folks out there: Accept the situation. Embrace the uncertainty. Never take anything personally, and know that God has a plan for you that is better than any you can come up with yourself.