“I had no idea that being your authentic self could make me as rich as I’ve become. If I had, I’d have done it a lot earlier.”-Oprah Winfrey

The Facebook interview with Oprah Winfrey could not have come to me at a better time. Today (Sept 9th) markers the 25th anniversary of Oprah becoming the first African-American woman to host a nationally-syndicated talk show. It also comes after my week-long visit to Chicago, my birthplace.  Most importantly, this interview came at one of those times that all people have, creative people especially, where I started to wonder if I was on the right path spiritually, professionally, geographically, etc.

When Oprah said this, it became clear to me: This path is uncharted, and will always be uncertain, because I am the only one who has ever walked it.

As an inspiration junkie, I love scouring the internet for stories, videos, songs, any piece of media that inspires me. However, maybe what I’m really searching for is proof. Proof that someone like me can do this. Become a filmmaker with no formal training. Translate counseling and psychology and an obsession with media into a career that helps other artists. Another black woman from Chicago who made a drastic career change in their late-20s and lived to tell the tale.

I will not find that story. I have to make it.

The story that I am looking for is my story, and it is never-ending. I don’t know if each item on my to-do list will bring me closer to the life I want, but I can try, and I can learn along the way.

I feel better now. While I continue to go down my to-do list and balance planning with action, I will accept that I am creating this path as I go, and the best inspiration I can receive is from those who have done the same.

Happy Friday

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I woke up one night choking, wheezing, water streaming from my eyes, down my cheeks.

I scrambled to the bathroom and instinctively placed a wet towel over my face. After 25 minutes, my airways opened up. Two days later, I saw a doctor who told me that my indoor allergies have gotten worse. I took to my room, emptied it, cleaned the carpet, dusted, got an air purifier, but to no avail. For the next few weeks I was unable to sit in my own room without coughing and wheezing. After eliminating other factors, there was one left: Mold. I live in an old house, and a water leak had been forming at the window frame next to my bed. I asked my landlord if he could check and have the mold removed.

He said, in so many words, that he had already spent enough money on our apartment complex, and if my allergies were that bad, I could be let out of my lease (Sidenote: In the great state of PA, property owners are not required to remove mold).

The idea of looking for another apartment made my head spin. In the past three years, I have moved about four times. I can’t, I thought. I can’t move my stuff again. I can’t go on another wild Craigslist chase, looking at apartments with extremely misleading pictures, people renting out overpriced closets, or renting out living rooms as bedrooms. At my core, moving made me feel unstable, transient. I didn’t want to go thought that again.

Then it hit me: What am I blocking? Your landlord is letting you out of your lease with no penalty, and you can find a place that is a better fit for you. Something with more space, something newer and better constructed, and above all, won’t make you sick.
So, I took a deep breath and said,  ”I am allowing my ideal space to come in. I am allowing the best place for me to come in, and I’m allowing the conditions I will need to get this space, to come in.”

“Don’t block your blessings.”

When I’ve heard this phrase in the past, it was said in relation to not seeking revenge for someone who’s wronged you, or doing something unethical to satisfy an immediate need. But there’s another, more pervasive way that we blocked our blessings on a regular basis.

When I started learning about the Law of Attraction, I started reading “Ask and It Is Given” by Abraham-Hicks (Esther and Jerry Hicks). I liked the idea of putting clear intention and focus on your goals, and affirming that those things are in the present. One part of the teachings that I didn’t fully buy, however, was the idea of “allowing.” “Allowing” is the belief that good surrounds us all the time, that our lives are suppose to be rich and joyful, but we block those things from coming into our lives.

Block? I thought. I’m not blocking anything. I have to actively work for everything I want, how can I be metaphysically shutting the door to it at the same time? However, I caught myself doing just that, when I learned that I might have to move again.

I’m still looking, but with a different outlook. Since this started, the landlord removed the source of the leak, I got a bigger air purifier, and I was able to sleep in my room for five hours the other night before I woke up coughing.

The point is, be very mindful when you start saying “I can’t” to yourself. Instead of resisting the change, open up and ask: “What am I allowing at this moment?”

I am a black woman. I’m free. I don’t have to be a symbol to anybody…~Lena Horne.

On an usually restless night, I checked my Twitter feed and learned that Lena Horne passed away yesterday. She was 92 years old and has a legacy that made it acceptable to be black and beautiful in Hollywood, not to mention her very active role in the fight for racial equality. Even with all this, I was stunned by the news. In less than five years time, so many souls that exemplified the beauty, talent and grace of Black people have moved on to the spirit world: Ozzie Davis, James Brown, Eartha Kitt, just to name a few. Although all of these people were around an age where it is socially acceptable to die, these deaths are a reminder that we can’t continue to rest on the shoulders of those who have pushed us up. I think I always took for granted that there would be a Lena Horne that I can show to our children, to teach them about the time we were Negroes, and however unfair it was, we understood that the best or worse of us, as a people, would reflect on all of us.

Let’s be motivated by our legends, but as Ms. Horne put it so perfectly, let us be representatives for ourselves. Ms. Horne fought so that black people could be valued as individuals, and not as credits or deficits of our “race.” Be a credit to yourself today.

Below are some of my favorite videos featuring Lena Horne:

Ms. Horne teaches Grover how to overcome shyness

www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_Y0lJ8ELvI

Ms. Horne serenades Cliff and Claire Huxtable on The Cosby Show

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bxp47BPI9FY

Don't be like Uncle Rico

I still listen to Illmatic, a stunning musical achievement by Nas, Pete Rock, Q-Tip, and Large Professor, after first hearing it over 10 years ago.  Few people can say that they created one of the seminal works in their field at the age of 20. However, such an accomplishment can be both a blessing and a curse. What do you do when according to many, you hit your creative and professional peak at the beginning of your career?  Michael Jackson recorded “Thriller” when he was 24, and spent the rest of his career trying to top it. Zeniths in life are not just a result of perfect ingredients, but perfect timing as well. There will never be another “Thriller” and there will never be another “Illmatic,” because both are products of their time period.

Peaks happen in other areas of our lives as well.  Personally, I am on the down slope of a zenith that has made dating very difficult. I met my first real love when I was 17, got engaged when I was 21, and watched it all fall apart by my 25th birthday. What happens to us when we reach a pinnacle early in our lives? Much like the Uncle Rico character in “Napoleon Dynamite,” some people are unable to move on, and spend the rest of their lives trying to return to that place.  They become stagnant. They date the same kinds of people over and over again, people who have some of the same qualities as the ones they lost, and some of the same dealbreakers. They resist anything new, uncertain. Their creativity atrophies because they are unwilling to try things unless they know they will experience success.

It helps to remember that when you first started out on your path to the “peak,”  you probably were not very good. You didn’t realize this because you were so passionate about your craft/sport/relationship/etc., that you wanted to keep trying, or maybe you did, and you just didn’t care. Failing at something you cared about was better than not trying at all.

Instead of holding on to past triumphs, use them as reminders of what is possible when you combine intention with belief and passion. Intent on accomplishing your goal,  belief that it will happen, and a passion that makes the work intrinsically rewarding.  It may not happen the way you want it to, and there’s the catch. But you can trust that it will happen the way it’s suppose to.

Michael Jackson passed today. Upon reflecting on why his passing is so painful, I realized a few things:

We saw him grow up. Michael was young, gifted and Black. Instantly likable and boyish, with an ability to conjure a grown soulfulness in his singing that made you certain that he had been on this earth before (see “Never Can Say Goodbye” and “Got to Be There” for two of my favorite examples). We saw him grow into an awkward teen, struggling with his self-image and trying to define his identity outside of his family. Then, he was his own man: Visible striking, trend setting, exciting and wildly successful. His tumble into middle age became a downright mid-life crisis. He never duplicated the success of his youth, and failed relationships and disturbing behavior made even his biggest fans question him. He left us an elderly man, but not elderly enough. His health was poor, and his spirit was broken.

It represents our deepest fears about success. He was great, and then he was the best. Then he reached a level of fame that was unparalleled. He hit a career plateau (Thriller) and never reached that level of success again. What happens on the other side of the zenith? When you become the best that you can be, what comes next? The fear of what is on the other side is enough to keep most people from striving in the first place.

We know he wasn’t at peace when he passed. Reporters speculate that he was feverishly preparing himself for his comeback tour. Michael wanted our love and approval so badly that he may have killed himself trying to get it.

He represents the last of an era of true entertainers. Michael was a singer, dancer, style icon and one of the most exciting entertainers who ever lived. He was a skilled musician and vocalist who was able to not only go with the fickle tide of pop music, he guided it. Michael came from an era where you had to be the best to get a shot. Many (forget that, MOST) people who dominate the current pop music scene wouldn’t have lasted 5 seconds at the Apollo during the heyday of the Jackson 5.

His legacy won’t just be about the music. I choose not to delve into the darker side of Michael’s final years, but that puts me in the minority. The media loves a freak show, and they promoted his eccentricities more than his talent.

Thank you for your music, Michael, and for loving us enough to be your very best.

Take care, withhold judgment, love others and love yourself.

Never Can Say Goodbye (LIVE)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=snihdG1rE0Y

I Want You Back (LIVE)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfJu_Bom2sA

I Wanna Be Where You Are (LIVE)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaLu6lHHSXg

Peace.